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I haven’t decided yet. Somewhere cheap—maybe a village—where twenty rupees would be enough for me.”
“Why haven’t you gone yet? If you really don’t need anything more, why did you let the debts pile up over all these months?”
Chandramukhi lowered her eyes, trying to sort out her thoughts. For the first time in her life, she was embarrassed to speak. Devdas asked, “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
Chandramukhi sat on the edge of the bed hesitantly and spoke with great trepidation, Don’t get angry—I had hoped to see you once before I go. I wished you’d come back, just once. Now that you have come, I’ll make my arrangements tomorrow. But, could you tell me where I should go?”
Staggered, Devdas sat up in bed. “Just to see me?” “But why?”
“Just a whim. Perhaps because no one had ever rejected me in that way. You hated me fervently. I don’t know if you remember, but I remember it well—the day you came here for the first time I felt attracted to you. I knew you were the son of a wealthy man; but that wasn’t what drew me to you. So many men had come and gone before you, but I had never sensed such boldness in them.
You came and you wounded me- an unprovoked assault—strangely appropriate—and yet so, so unfair. You turned away from me in revulsion and finally, almost in jest, you threw some money at me. Do you remember?”
Devdas was silent. Chandramuki continued, “Since then, I had eyes only for you. Not for love, not hatred. I couldn’t forget you, the way it is difficult to forget a novelty. I suppose. When you’d come, I used to be tense and fearful, but when you didn’t come, nothing seemed right. And then, I don’t know what went wrong-- but everything started looking very different. I changed so much that the earlier “I” could no longer recognize myself. You had taken to the bottle. I hate alcohol. I always hated it when someone got drunk in my house. But when you got drunk, I never felt anger. I only felt misery.”
Chandramukhi touched Devdas’s feet. There were tears in her eyes as she said, “I am a sinner, please forgive me. The more you hurled insults at me, the more you pushed me away, the more I wanted to draw you closer. Finally, whenever you fell asleep….. anyway, let all that be. You might fly into a rage again.”
Devdas didn’t say a word. These new sentiments were very distressful to him. Chandramukhi wiped away her tears and said, “One day, you spoke of how much we tolerate, the insults, the assaults—I felt very hurt. The very next day I stopped it all.”
Devdas sat up. “But what about survival?”
Chandramukhi said, “I just told you.”
“What if the grocer cheats you out of all your money?”
Chandramukhi didn’t look troubled. Quite calmly she replied, “That won’t be unusual. I have thought of that too. If I am in real trouble, I’ll beg some money from you.”
Devdas thought about this. “That’s all right,” he said. But for now, make your plans and move somewhere else.”
“I’ll start the arrangements tomorrow. I’ll sell my bangles and then go and meet the grocer.”
Devdas fished into his pocket, brought out five hundred-rupee notes and tucked them under the pillow. “Don’t sell the bangles, but meet the grocer for sure. Where would you go, on a pilgrimage?”
“No, Devdas. I am not a great one for faith. I won’t go too far from Calcutta—some nearby village perhaps.”
“Do you want to work as a maid with some genteel family?”
Chandramukhi’s eyes filled with tears again. She wiped them and said, “I don’t want to do that. I would like to live independently and comfortably. Why should I slave? I have never done a day’s hard labour in my life and I won’t be able to do it now. If I submit my body to much more, it might fall apart.”
Despondent, Devdas smiled at that. He said, “But if you live close to the city, you may be tempted again. You can never trust the human mind.”
Chandramukhi smiled. She said, “That is very true indeed. But I will never be tempted again. I do accept that women can be tempted by very little. But since I have given up all the temptations of my own free will, I am afraid. If it had been a momentary whim, I may have been in danger of going back to it all. But in all these days, there hasn’t been a moment when I have regretted my decision. I am really quite happy.”
Devdas still shook his head, “Women are very restless, very fickle.”
Chanramukhi came and sat very close to him and took his hand, “Devdas.”
He looked at her, but couldn’t bring himself to say, “Don’t touch me.”
Chandramukhi pulled his hands on the lap, looking at them lovingly, eyes widened with bliss, and said, “This is the last day—don’t be angry with me. I have always wanted to ask to you something.”
Her eyes scanned his face for a while and she asked quietly, “Did Parvati hurt you very badly?”
Devdas frowned, “Why do you ask?”
Chandramukhi didn’t falter. In a calm and confident tone, she said, “I need to know. Very honestly speaking, I feel the pain whenever you are hurt. Besides, I probably know lot about this. Sometimes, when you were dead drunk, you’ve said a lot and I have listened. But still, I don’t believe Parvati has cheated you. Instead, I feel, you have cheated yourself. Devdas, I am older than you, I have seen much of the world. Do you know what I think? I feel quite sure that you are in the wrong. I feel women do not deserve all their reputation for being whimsical and fickle. It’s you, men, who praise them no end--- and then it’s you who blame them and pull them down from their pedestal. You are able to speak your mind with ease. They cannot express themselves so easily. Even if they do, few understand them, because what they say is mumbled, easily drowned out by your loud voice. What happens in the end is that nobody sees the women’s point of view- they are simply badmouthed.”
(To be Continued...)
