Q: I am 25 years old and got engaged a couple of months back. I am very much upset since the time I found out that my fiancée had an affair, and that too with my younger brother. I have been extremely shocked since then. It was my mom especially who wanted me to get engaged to her so I told her about this. But she thinks that it isn’t true and I shouldn’t be bothered about such rumours. I talked out with my fiancée and asked her about her past relationships as we are pretty much close now. She opened up saying that she was good friends with a guy and there was nothing serious going on between them. I can’t make myself believe her version of the story and that keeps on upsetting me. What should I do? Shayan
A: The problem seems to lie with you. In relationships, partners do share their pasts with their would-be spouses, but only when they feel they have reached that level of maturity in their relationship. What you need to work on is your maturity before you plan on getting hitched. By not believing your partner’s version of the story is sending her wrong vibes for no matter how honest she is, you are not accepting her side of the story. There is you’re trust lacking between you two as for some reason you have assumed that she is not telling the truth. Clear that assumption right away as that will help you in the long run and there is no one who can help you with fighting rumours, but your own self. First and foremost, be honest and question yourself if you really want to carry this bond any further. Being at this stage maybe you don’t want to get hooked and it can be possible that you are using your fiancee’s past as an excuse to steer clear of this relationship. What you need to do is some real, honest soul-searching which can be done by either talking to a close aide of yours or talk things out with your family. What about your past? Seems like you haven’t been in a relationship and that can be playing its part psychologically. It can be that you want to keep an upper hand, now that you know she has a past and you want a fair share of experience for yourself.
Q: My issue is different. It has to do with my father who mistreated my mother and I. I was the youngest and bullied by him. To say I don’t have any fond memories of him won’t be wrong. I also have a brother but I haven’t had any healthy communication with him since the past many years. Things are different now and my father and I live under the same roof trying to forget our past. The problem lies with me staying with him as I feel awkward mostly and the only communication we have is over the phone. He’s gotten old and feels lonely. Here comes the part where I feel guilty. I have a full time job which keeps me occupied all day long and because of that I can’t stay with him all the time. I feel bad for him for he has no one to talk to. I wanted to go abroad for higher studies but now I feel bad that I’ll be leaving him at this age with no one to take care of him. What do you think I should do? Should I leave him and carry on with my plans or stay with him? Misbah
A: Let’s focus on you first. Are you staying healthy and fit? For as your father is aging, so are you developing into the person you wish to be. While looking after your father, you need to be aware that your life is also important and you need to prioritise as well. Try asking your brother to look after your father for it’s his responsibility too. As long as your higher studies are concerned, look up your options here too. People who have a degree from abroad not necessarily find good jobs here and local graduates too can grab hold of marvellous opportunities – after all its all about luck. But whatever you do, don’t let the guilt factor drive your final decision. Good luck!