|Heart TO Heart
For relationship advice and more, talk to your super-smart Sis.
Q: My boyfriend hates my best friend who has a few bad habits. How do I make him understand that I can't stop talking to my friend, and that his bad habits don't make him a bad person? Komal, Karachi
A: How can you claim to be best friends with someone and not have made him overcome his bad habits? If you had, your friendship would have had more weight and a clean energy to it. How do you expect your boyfriend to be comfortable with you being around someone who is not in their senses? This is one of those compromises that become integral to relationships.
Q: Is it possible to fall in love after just hearing their name? That's what happened to me and I'm someone who never believed in magic. I met this man on the first day of work and we clicked instantly. We talked as if we both knew each other for many years. Everything was perfect. One day I confessed that I really liked him, but he said he's in love with his ex-girlfriend. It's been a year now and I still cannot stop thinking about him and find no man good enough. How do I let go of him? Sabina, Lahore
A: There's a saying, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was. In this case, I would add, set it free, and set yourself free. He's living in the past, and you're living in the future, and that's a dreadful recipe for a relationship. Treasure the memory, the magic of every surreal moment, but it is time to head back to reality. It's your choice whether to land with a thud, or sail off gracefully like a swan.
Q: I am 20 years old. I've been with my college mate for the past two years. But he has lost interest in me now and says that he doesn't love me anymore. His words and actions are very painful and depressing. He also said that loving me was the biggest mistake of his life. I really can't understand what made him change so much. I'm very sure he does not have any other woman in his life. I can't live without talking to him and this makes me call him even after he insults me repeatedly. Is this how relationships are? How can I make him love me again? Hina, Karachi
A: It's said that if a man wants you, nothing can keep him away and if he doesn't, nothing can make him stay. Rejection can be very painful and damaging to one's self-esteem. Remind yourself that you must have been pretty amazing for him to fall in love with you in the first place. So what if he wants to move on? Just because something was good for a period of time, it doesn't mean it will or has to last forever. And no, not all relationships are hurtful, short-term or cruel. He didn't deserve you. The man that does will never let you go.
Q: My younger sister is 30 years old. She got married some years ago, but her husband used to drink a lot and beat her, and now she is in the process of getting a divorce. She met a college friend who had proposed to her earlier. She had refused then because she wanted to marry the boy our parents selected. The guy again showed interest in her; after a year she proposed to him and he said yes. She was so happy, but the next day he emailed her saying he had done it to exact revenge. She has now lost interest in marriage. How do I convince her? Shayaan Khurshid, Karachi
A: That's awful! Please do not push her into marriage immediately. She is scarred and emotionally weary. She needs to rest and go through emotional catharsis, therapy and end the stages of loss to regain her emotional strength and balance. She's only 30 and it's probably for the best if she focuses on her career while she heals herself emotionally. Loving, reliable and nurturing relationships will only happen once she is ready. Give her space for now.