The Spy Who Dumped Me – a movie that tells you everything you need to know about it from the title – is as good as The Killers, a similarly themed escapade involving a woman (Katherine Heigl) who finds out that her finance (Ashton Kutcher) is a spy. And like The Killers, this movie is staggeringly atrocious.

I say staggeringly because the atrociousness comes to you in steps, one bad story move after another. If one walks backwards from the last bad storytelling decision to a slightly better one, you end up at the opening credits of the movie – and even then you realise that the movie is an utter waste of time and money. Both of yours and the people who made it.

Co-screenwriter/director Susanna Fogel keeps away from zest, taking her leading ladies – Kate McKinnon and Mila Kunis – across Europe’s streets and landmarks as they kill good and bad assassins. Kunis and McKinnon are without comedic material or action pieces one can easily follow, and hardly offer a chuckle one can force themselves to.

Gillian Anderson pops up somewhere as the head of a spy organisation who sends two of her agents (Sam Heughan and Hasan Minhaj) after the girls.

On Gillian’s entry, one wishes that she is playing her character from Johnny English – and immediately regrets making that wish in the first place. Why bid something bustling with low-tiered mediocrity to anyone (including your worst enemies)? •