There were very minor but noticeable changes at first. My mother-in-law began to forget things.

“It’s understandable, Saima. She did just suffer a stroke.” Fawad was just happy to have her with him and be able to take care of her. I don’t think he noticed many changes anyway as he was out of the house for the major part of the day.

I kept quiet about it for now but thought that I would ask the doctor at our next appointment which was due next week.

Incidentally, Fawad was extremely busy, so I volunteered to take her. Dad was also feeling under the weather, so he decided to watch Ibrahim for us and I felt that this was divine destiny. I would definitely be able to discuss mom’s case in some depth without any interference.

I noticed that mom was kind of happy that it was just us.

“Kind of like a girls’ day out? I was hoping we would have a chance to do something together.”

She was positively beaming. So, I decided that since the doctor’s appointment was at 12 noon, we would go out and have lunch later. I made sure to prepare a meal for my father-in-law and lectured Ibrahim to take care of himself and granddad till I got back.

“He won’t be a bother. This is what I’ve been waiting for. Some bonding with my grandchild. We missed out a lot by being in Lahore and so far away from you all.”

I knew he wasn’t doing it to make me feel guilty, but then again he was right. Living in Karachi and so far away from his parents, Fawad did rob them of some pleasures that they deserved to be a part of. And what if mom loses her memory? Will she now lose out on all that time that we have together? I felt a lump in my throat and hoped that the doctor would put my mind to rest on her health and fading cognitive abilities. Dare I say the word dementia or Alzheimer’s?

When we reached the doctor’s office a nurse took her vitals and then ushered us inside. When we walked in the doctor wasn’t there. I took this opportunity to tell mom that I would ask for him outside, hoping to get a private word in before he examined mom.

Sure enough as I stepped out he was making his way to the room and I gently pulled him aside.

“I would like to talk to you before you meet mom.” I spoke in a conspiratorial voice.

“Is she all right, Saima?” Since he was our family physician he already seemed concerned. He knew all the idiosyncrasies of our patient histories and it was actually comforting confiding in him.

“Yes, yes, she’s fine. But I’ve been noticing some mood and memory changes over the past few weeks. She’s forgetting everyday things and seems bewildered at times as well. Kind of confused and lost.”

I had to hurry. Mom wouldn’t wait too long sitting down.

“I’ll look into it, Saima. Does Fawad know? What does he think?”

“He thinks I’m overreacting. He puts the blame on the stroke she had recently.”

“He’s not wrong in that assumption. But I’ll see my patient now and tell you what I think. Don’t worry, she won’t know of this conversation.”

I was glad how sensitively he handled the situation. After all I was the daughter-in-law and there were certain boundaries that I wasn’t allowed to cross, one of which was assuming that my mother-in-law was losing her mind to a disease that didn’t have a cure.

As we walked in together I sat down next to mom pretending that nothing happened and waited for the doctor to complete his examination. He asked mom some direct and indirect questions. He made alterations to the cocktail of medicines that she was taking. He then wrote out a few tests that he thought were necessary. He asked his nurse to help her to the various departments; blood work and MRI for the necessary tests.

I accompanied her but as she stepped out the doctor gave me a knowing shake of the head and I knew what he meant.

All the tests ate up most of our lunch time. I was worried that mom might be feeling weak and hungry, so I got her a sandwich and a juice but she refused to have any. She wanted her day out like we had planned.

When we finally got back to the doctor’s office mom was exhausted. The doctor could sense that we were both impatient and tired.

“Your test results will be back in a day or two. I’ll call you, Saima, and then you can come in and we’ll discuss this. Is that okay?” He was asking mom but she looked confused again.

“That’s fine. I’ll take her home now, if I may?”

So, that was that.

On the ride back she was very lost and quiet. I slowly and gradually explained to her that since the day had stretched so long it would be best that we went home. Dad was alone with Ibrahim for the longest period and they both would be worried about us.

She nodded her head in agreement, though I wasn’t sure she followed.

When we reached home both dad and Ibrahim were peacefully taking an afternoon nap in the baby’s room. I was appreciative that dad had cleaned up after lunch and everything was the way I kept it. Not that I was fussy but it was nice to know that he took care of these things while I was away. I felt respected in some odd manner.

I quickly heated lunch for us and while we ate in silence I was happy to see that mom didn’t seem so confused or tired anymore.

As she got up with her plate in hand taking it to the kitchen when she was done, I stopped her.

“I’ll do it. You should go and rest. Dad is with the baby so I’ll come and lie down with you, if that’s okay?”

I didn’t want to leave her alone today. I wanted to make up in some way to the girls’ day out that she so wanted.

“Of course, Saima, I would love to chat. There’s so much that I want to tell you.”

Suddenly so animated. I almost laughed out loud in joy.

I put the food away and the dishes and followed her to her room. She was indeed excited all of a sudden. Maybe it was the meal or maybe the attention. She didn’t look so sad now as she did during the ride home.

“I liked it today. Not the tests though. I wouldn’t want to go through those again. But being with you and talking.” She quickly turned sides to face me.

Is that what it’s all about I wondered. The attention and the validity of the fact that she matters.

“We’ll have a day out soon. Don’t worry, I won’t schedule it with another doctor’s appointment, I promise.”

She laughed out loud.

“Yes, that would be a better plan. We’ll take Ibrahim and Dad along too and maybe even Fawad if he’s free. He works so much. Doesn’t give any of you much time and attention.”

“I don’t mind. He’s doing it for us and I try and make the most of the time we have together.”

“But relationships need time, Saima. Your father-in-law and I began to feel lonely while we were in Lahore because we weren’t given the time that we needed from our family, even when the house was full with people.” She paused for a while, maybe weighing the sensibility of her remark. After all my sister-in-law was just another daughter-in-law like myself.

“I don’t mean any ill of Falak. She is an amazing person. But you see, the daily routine pushed us into a marginalised role and that’s what led to our depression. I feel better now.”

I looked at her features. Each line and each wrinkle of her face told a story of pain, sacrifice and lots of joy.

“When you’re young, Saima, these things don’t matter because you are struggling towards a common goal. Your energy is being spent in building a future. And young people have unlimited supply of energy. But once everything is done, there’s a huge void that cannot be filled easily. That’s the time we need to redefine ourselves and try to find interests away from the same things that mattered once.”

She paused for breath. This was a side that I didn’t know about mom. Maybe because I never tried to know more. A wave of guilt swept over me.

“I’m not blaming anyone. It’s just the way of the world. It’s Jacque’s seven ages like Shakespeare said. But you see when we begin to fall into the shadows, when we begin to get ignored it makes us lonely and upset and we feel invisible. Then there’s a new wave of energy and we try to matter but we’re low on patience and tolerance and then our irritation becomes a nuisance. So, it’s a vicious circle.”

She added after a short pause, “You’re afraid that I am losing my memory.”

How did she know? It wasn’t a question but a statement. I quickly murmured something in my defense.

“It’s okay. I see how worried you look when I forget things. I’m not losing my memory. It’s just too much work to remember now. When the kids were younger I had to keep it all together but I’m tired and now it’s not so important anymore to remember each and everything. And as I forget I let go of a lot of past worries and disappointments and regrets too. I want to focus on the now and live each day as it is without the negative energy that regrets and past heartaches bring. I think I deserve that much. And life is simpler for us now as older people. It’s just about getting through the day. Simpler pleasures.”

“Let’s not talk about all of this now. You need to rest.” I was getting a little worried. I felt that I probably did something to bring this on.

“I’m not losing my memory, Saima. My priorities have changed and now I want to remember the things that are important. What my children feel, what my grandson wants form me. What I can do for you. How I can help you manage the day. I don’t need to remember where I kept my glasses. They will show up. I don’t need to remember the time or what day it is. The day will go on. But yes I need to remember to hug my children and tell them that I love them. I need to remember what matters from now on without the distractions of the day’s work.”

She shut her eyes and sort of faded into sleep as she was speaking.

I stayed awake thinking about what she said and how much sense it made. My mother-in-law was at that part in her life when the leaves of autumn had fallen and winter was on its way. She needed to store all her energy for things that mattered and not spend it on the frivolous material worries that are definitely important when we’re young but not so much now. Also, so many rough ages had now smoothed out. She was a softer and more accepting version of herself. Does it pay for us to realise these facts earlier on? Why worry about the past? Why not focus on the present? Why not focus on what’s important from day one? I vowed to follow the wisdom of her words and make a difference in my life from today.

Then, I heard Fawad’s footfall in the hall and stepped out to be with him because people matter and nothing else.